Being jealous of my husband... Confessions of a stay-at-home mom

Can I just be real for a minute?

I've learned something in the past couple of weeks that I am so afraid to admit that the thought of typing my next sentence makes me sweat...

(cue sweating... ugh! I HATE to sweat!!)

I am jealous of my husband.

(Deep breath...)

I am jealous of my husband.

My name is Lindsay... and I am jealous of my husband.

Joey got a raise last week. Like... a big one. I am SO proud of him! He deserves every word of encouragement from his boss and every penny he works so hard to earn.

I was super excited for him ... for about 5 minutes.

And then I got jealous... of my husband.

I found myself wondering where MY boss was... the one who could encourage ME and give ME a list of things I do well and things I could work on in my every day role. I wondered when MY company handed out bonuses... first quarter or last? When can I expect a raise? Where would I get a promotion? How could I work MY way up in the company? When is it ok to brag about the amazing things I'VE accomplished in my job? 

It hit me hard... I am jealous of my husband.

This realization paralyzed me in the kitchen one night... I couldn't move.

How can I be satisfied in the place God has put me if there's even a hint of jealousy in my heart?

I wasn't.

And how can I fully commit myself to my work... to my kids and my family... if I can't find that satisfaction?

I wasn't.

It's not a good place to be...

but it hit me with such an impact that I couldn't just move on... I couldn't just sweep it under the rug and forget it...

so I did what I do...

I closed myself off.

Life is easier that way, after all...

for a while.

And then it creeps in... It wasn't possible for me to speak kindness into my husband's life... I didn't know the words anymore. I couldn't be proud of him or celebrate with him... the ability to share in his success was gone. I didn't want to know about his day and I didn't care about what was going on in his heart.

This worked for me for a couple of days until I realized something else that stopped me in my tracks...

The only common denominator in my choice to take part in the joys of life that my husband wants so badly to share with me or to separate myself from joy entirely...

was me.

I was the problem...

not his success or his job or his raise or his happiness...

it was all me.

All I ever wanted to be growing up was a mommy... it was an 'aspiration' that Joey just didn't understand when we were dating. 

How is staying at home every day, playing with kids an 'aspiration'?

I wanted to be the main influence in our kids' lives like my mom was for us... I wanted to be present in the ups and downs of growing up... I wanted to teach them and be their confidante, their security for as long as they would let me... and selfishly, I wanted to be the one responsible for what they learned and how they use it...

I still want that.... every single day. And I know how incredibly blessed I am that I get to do exactly what I 'aspired' to do my whole life. 

But...

Sometimes changing diapers, cleaning up puke, knowing the bowel movement schedule of every member of my family, being the bad guy, disciplining the same behavior over and over and over and over and over and over and over again gets mundane... it gets boring and dirty and exhausting. And the progress is slow in this job of mine... sometimes it's YEARS before you see the end result of the hard work you've done.

There are days when I long for adult conversation ...or a few hours alone in my car... or a fancy dinner out with colleagues... or to close my office door ... or a hotel bed all to myself... 

or to have my kids run into my arms every night because they missed me all day. I want them to miss me!

 Joey allowed me to close myself off for a couple days ... he knows me and knew I needed some time to process whatever it was that had changed me so quickly.

He cornered me in the kitchen this weekend ...

He's pretty big...

I couldn't get away...

So I confessed...

Without eye contact...

take that you big man!

(but I was super embarrassed and scared to death...)

"I'm jealous of you! I'm so proud of you and am thankful every day for how hard you work so our family can be comfortable and so I can live my dream, but lately I've been jealous of you. I don't have a boss who encourages me and shows me how to improve or tells me what's next in my career if I keep working hard. I don't get raises... ok yes, I get hugs and kisses from the kids and they run to me when they're scared or hurt... but sometimes, most times... that's not enough! I'd love to look forward to every Thursday because that's when I get paid. I need you to encourage me more... and maybe I need to learn how to ask for it.  I'll work on that. Don't get me wrong... YOU are not my boss! You're just the only one who's opinion matters to me when it comes to the job I do and how well I do it... And you do a wonderful job at telling me what a good mom and wife I am... You DO! But... I need to hear from you more. Please."

And then I looked at him... I braced myself for a lecture on how selfish I am and how I need to eat my words and take my own advice and find a job if I'm so unhappy...

 Because my rant deserved all of the above.

But after my rant, when I finally looked at him, his eyes loved me and he simply said...

"Ok."

(And then we made out because, well... That 'ok' was pretty damn sexy!)

(Sorry.)

And it was done.

My jealousy wasn't about his amazing success or raise...

All of my resentment and jealousy and anger toward him was completely misguided... and could have been completely avoided...

If I had simply asked for more.

I have no problem asking for seconds of cake or wine or frozen yogurt or shoes or pedicures...

So why can't I ask for more encouragement, too?

Now ladies... don't give me some lecture on how God is enough and if I would just focus on Him more I would find all of the fulfillment I need.

That's bullshit.

(Sorry.)

And you know it.

My attitude is a direct reflection of my relationship with the Lord... that's true.

But He put us HERE... on Earth... where our lives are molded around some dirty stuff; laundry, puke, mean people, deals gone bad, mortgages, and bowel movement schedules.

That's the truth.

And sometimes ... most times... my relationship with Him is a direct reflection of the mess I've created in my daily life.

So...

My goal this year is to learn how to ask for more...

more encouragement, more 'me' time, more PDA, more help, more date nights, more girls' nights, more play dates, more conversation, more sex, more romance, more honesty, more family nights, more nights away, more surprises, more listening, more wine...

more love.

Just more.

Because all of those things are the good things we have this side of perfection.

And in this dirty life, getting more always means wanting more... but life is so dirty that more of the good things isn't a bad thing, right?!

Asking for it is the hard part.

And I'll do my best to return the favor...

because even though life's not fair and it can get pretty dirty, the very best part is knowing that you've done a little more for someone else, too.

Try both; Ask for more... And then give more. 

Fulfillment.

It works.